Nessa

9 years ago I said good-bye to her
9 years ago I pledged I would save her
9 years ago was the last time I saw her smiling.

I was 18, my parents were splitting and Vanessa came to visit - my cousin.
It was the first time during my entire highschool years that I felt needed, wanted
Vanessa was 26, well almost 26...she is a recovering alcoholic/pill popper, she's here for as long as she wants to be.
We did everything together, for the first time I ditch school, I didn't do my homework and I called off at work - how could I do any of that Vanessa wanted to spend time with me
No one ever wanted to spend time with me, my twin and I barely looked at eachother - we were too different
I went to an AA meeting, pretending to be an addict so Vanessa would be more willing to go
We went rollerskating, all the boys wanted to be near her, she wondered why I wasn't interested
Vanessa asked me if I was gay...I was infuriated, shocked, I'm a Catholic - that was unheard of
She asked me why I didn't date I didn't want to
Truth is, I didn't know why...boys didn't interest me, I thought there was something wrong
She was right...

Vanessa got drunk...relapse
Vanessa got into an argument with my Grandma, she had to go
I go to Vanessa, she did my make-up and sprayed perfume on me (I can still smell it) I hate make-up, but it was a moment, we didn't talk
I drive Vanessa in tears to the airport so she can go back to Florida - we walked around the airport all night looking for a place that sold Bloody Marys for her-I think of her every time I see or hear of that drink now
I am devistated - my life was ripped apart, I tried going with her she wouldn't let me
She told me that I was special and I had to figure out how and why and to live out my own plan
I told her I'd visit, I'd call and write
I drove home at 7 the next morning arriving around 9, my Mom is furious and screaming at me to go to school, I shower get into my school uniform and go
I get there and instead of going to class I head to Miss Welsh's office - exhausted and emotionally drained I knock on her door
She opens the door and I break down in tears not able to explain clearly only "She's gone" over and over again...Miss Welsh tells me to sleep and I'm excused from all my classes.
My school forces me into therapy (I hated therapy) saying I'm breaking down from the divorce - no one knew the real reason
7 years go by of phone calls, writing and following her every move from a far...
I'm working, a phone call stops my heart
Vanessa has passed away
I can't move, I can't breathe, everything is still - I run, I can't sleep...I drive 18hrs to the Orange County Mourge, Fl. I see her for the last time, I want to break the glass, wake her up-she's gone
I sit through the speech on how she died, wondering why she had to die alone, why she had to die at all -
I was suppose to save her, I FAILED!
Now 2yrs has passed since then I still hurt, it still runs through my veins...I cry -
Don't put off for tomorrow that is better off done today, visit your friends/family tell them what they mean to you