Remember those signs...Kick Me?
Well, today at work (I work outta my car) I felt as though I must've had a huge sign on my car saying "HIT ME" I had to swerve out of the way of 3 olderly people drivers!!! 2 of them at seperate times were driving in one lane I in the other at the same speed as I and basically at the same spot as I except in their lane and then all of a sudden felt the need to be in my lane which forced me to cuss, swerve, slam on my brakes and honk!!! The 3rd one turned right on my green light in front of me, literally 5ft away which of course made me duplicate my last response...cuss, swerve, slam on my brakes and honk!!! Sometimes I wish I had an abundence of tweenkies that I could keep in my car for just an occassion...I would get great pleasure in throwing them at those cars. It wouldn't do any damage just make a mess and make me laugh hehehe...I could only wish :-)
Friday, April 29, 2005
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Orange Juice
Ever have a day when you know you can't do something, it's a lose-lose situation and for some reason you agree to do it? That happened to me today and it reminded me of the orange juice splashing in the face of the guy in "Guys and Dolls" the story behind it is basically he doesn't make any bet that he cannot win because it'd be just like getting splashed in the face with orange juice...ok with that said here's what happened to me today.
I don't have to work till 2:30 but have to work the morning shift tomorrow 7am oye it's already 12:30...I'm gonna be comatoast, anyway, I talk to my Mom just about every day and it's usually about the kids (my siblings) and for some reason today the conversation moved in a different direction.
The Porch. My Ma wants to put in a brick/stone ground in front of the back porch for a place for her grill and maybe a couple of chairs.
She's soooo sneaky, she begins by asking me questions about what I think it would take to do something like that (me not thinking she meant me actually doing) I said it shouldn't be that difficult, just have dig into the grass so that it's level and the bricks or stones will be level. Then mix the cement to keep it together. With that she's like GREAT, so when do you think we can do this...I was lost for words, I don't know how to do that, I'm not a bricklayer or carpenter - so why did I say "when the weather permits and I'm not working"
After getting off the phone I was like "SPLASH" what did I just commit to - eeekkkk!!!
Just can't say no to Mom, I guess I better take out that thinking cap and figure it out lol, oye I'm nuts, my Mom is nuts to think that I can do "ALL"
I don't have to work till 2:30 but have to work the morning shift tomorrow 7am oye it's already 12:30...I'm gonna be comatoast, anyway, I talk to my Mom just about every day and it's usually about the kids (my siblings) and for some reason today the conversation moved in a different direction.
The Porch. My Ma wants to put in a brick/stone ground in front of the back porch for a place for her grill and maybe a couple of chairs.
She's soooo sneaky, she begins by asking me questions about what I think it would take to do something like that (me not thinking she meant me actually doing) I said it shouldn't be that difficult, just have dig into the grass so that it's level and the bricks or stones will be level. Then mix the cement to keep it together. With that she's like GREAT, so when do you think we can do this...I was lost for words, I don't know how to do that, I'm not a bricklayer or carpenter - so why did I say "when the weather permits and I'm not working"
After getting off the phone I was like "SPLASH" what did I just commit to - eeekkkk!!!
Just can't say no to Mom, I guess I better take out that thinking cap and figure it out lol, oye I'm nuts, my Mom is nuts to think that I can do "ALL"
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Box
What in you draws you to a sport? In grade school I sucked in volleyball, once I got to highschool somehow almost overnight I was a star...power server and digger - I was always the starter. Then junior year I wasn't "cool" enough, I out served, out set, and out dug everyone yet I didn't make the team...hmmm, that's right everyone that made the team hung out with the coach - unfair yes, devistating maybe...would I have been able to go to college with less stress and feel more at ease, possibly. But everything happens for a reason right? So now at 27, I've found a new passion and I'm pretty good too, the only problem is my entire family thinks I'm nuts and keeps begging me to quit. I Box!!! It's exhilerating, it's not personal - its a sport. I don't look at an opponent and hope I hurt them, I merely want the points and to not get hit. Yes, it has its dangers but so do alot of sports-no it's not traditionally a "female" sport, but I've never been one to not do something because I might be one of a handful doing it...in fact that drives me to do it even more so because then I feel motivated and pushed to do even better. I was in the military and no one objected - I could have gotten hurt or killed doing that, I'm testing for police departments and no one objects to that - that's dangerous...I'm not stupid I wouldn't jump off of buildings and test fate that way, but boxing can be dangerous if you're not trained correctly and you fight in matches you're not ready for - so August is my big one...the World's Amatuer Competition -I go to Missouri for that, there should be about 15 different countries involved...I'm keeping my fingers crossed and training for 2+hrs a day...I will do well, but the question is how well? :-) NO I AM NOT MILLION DOLLAR BABY...I have been boxing for almost 2yrs now -way before the movie, but that did trigger alot of the stress my family is feeling...until the competition is over they won't calm down...Wish me luck :-)
Friday, April 22, 2005
Rosie going to Letterman
A SONG FROM THE PAST (from the Rosie O'Donnell Show)
"Hi David, it's Rosie - read the wire, we're on fire, studio, I no go, do you think you can lend us a hand
Yeah David, we're in trouble, in a squeeze, help me please, I need you, to come through, I sure hope you can lend me a hand
Yeah, the fire was bad
30 Rock seems ok, but we won't be out long, we'll be back any day
yeah our set is all wet, but it should be alright, could you please help me out, you'll be my shining knight
Hey Rosie, David calling, from the late show, do a great show, need a place, use my space, I'm so glad I can lend you a hand
Thank you David, from Rosie, you're the greatest, you're first ratest, you're the man, Letterman, so come on now let's give Dave a hand!!!"
Top Ten List: The Top Ten Ways I'm Going To Thank Dave For Letting Me Use His Theater
10. Two Words...Ring Dings
9. In the next K-Mart commercial He can play the part of Penny
8. I will rig the Late Night's water cooler to dispense only Yoohoo
7. Send him a hundred copies of my first film "Misery"
6. Send him on a month long's vacation to the Carribean with Nicole Kidman
5. I've changed the sign on the Ed Sullivan Theater to read "Dave, Now And Forever"
4. I'm gonna fill all the bathtubs in his house with kooshballs
3. For Christmas I'm buying my entire staff his Mom's Cookbook and I recommend that you do to "Cooking With Dave's Mom" buy it
2. I'm giving up the Knicks, I am now an Indiana Pacers fan
And the Number One Way I'm going to thank Dave for letting me use his theater
MY DONNY DOLL
"Hi David, it's Rosie - read the wire, we're on fire, studio, I no go, do you think you can lend us a hand
Yeah David, we're in trouble, in a squeeze, help me please, I need you, to come through, I sure hope you can lend me a hand
Yeah, the fire was bad
30 Rock seems ok, but we won't be out long, we'll be back any day
yeah our set is all wet, but it should be alright, could you please help me out, you'll be my shining knight
Hey Rosie, David calling, from the late show, do a great show, need a place, use my space, I'm so glad I can lend you a hand
Thank you David, from Rosie, you're the greatest, you're first ratest, you're the man, Letterman, so come on now let's give Dave a hand!!!"
Top Ten List: The Top Ten Ways I'm Going To Thank Dave For Letting Me Use His Theater
10. Two Words...Ring Dings
9. In the next K-Mart commercial He can play the part of Penny
8. I will rig the Late Night's water cooler to dispense only Yoohoo
7. Send him a hundred copies of my first film "Misery"
6. Send him on a month long's vacation to the Carribean with Nicole Kidman
5. I've changed the sign on the Ed Sullivan Theater to read "Dave, Now And Forever"
4. I'm gonna fill all the bathtubs in his house with kooshballs
3. For Christmas I'm buying my entire staff his Mom's Cookbook and I recommend that you do to "Cooking With Dave's Mom" buy it
2. I'm giving up the Knicks, I am now an Indiana Pacers fan
And the Number One Way I'm going to thank Dave for letting me use his theater
MY DONNY DOLL
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Semper Fi
One of my quirks:
Flashbacks...I get them ALL the time and at the weirdest times, and it never has anything to do with what I am doing at that particular moment just all of a sudden my mind wanders and there I go -
I was driving in my car today (for work of course) and sitting at a red light
Pow:I'm standing in fourth rank stiff as a board, sweating, tired, and focused on the recruit in front of me when out of no where I hear clear as crystal "Beyer, get over here!"
Without hesitation I'm sprinting out of ranks and confront the source..."Good Afternoon Ma-am, Recruit Beyer reporting as ordered Ma-am"
And without even a blink of an eye I hear barked back, "BEYER, I don't like you - GET OUT OF MY FACE" and without an expression I reply as a trained "monkey" "Aye Ma-am (step back) carry on aye Ma-am, Good afternoon Ma-am" (a bout face) and run back into rank.
And then I hit the gas pedal and continue on my day...
To this day I have no idea why my Drill Instructor called me out of ranks to tell me that - was there a purpose, was she trying to upset me, demotivate me, make me look bad???
I often wonder about my Marine Corps Recruit Training (boot camp) and what everything that was done to me if it had significance...I don't get it.
I loved the training but looking back I should've been miserable, they treated me like crap and yet I'd go back and do it again all over again. I miss the military (scary), I wonder what if ALL the time
The strange part of my flashbacks is I'll have one and it can influence me the rest of the day that is, I'll think about it all day long afterwards and ponder
It can be a good thing I suppose, keeps me aware that my memory is still very keen and it also keeps me in check :-)
Flashbacks...I get them ALL the time and at the weirdest times, and it never has anything to do with what I am doing at that particular moment just all of a sudden my mind wanders and there I go -
I was driving in my car today (for work of course) and sitting at a red light
Pow:I'm standing in fourth rank stiff as a board, sweating, tired, and focused on the recruit in front of me when out of no where I hear clear as crystal "Beyer, get over here!"
Without hesitation I'm sprinting out of ranks and confront the source..."Good Afternoon Ma-am, Recruit Beyer reporting as ordered Ma-am"
And without even a blink of an eye I hear barked back, "BEYER, I don't like you - GET OUT OF MY FACE" and without an expression I reply as a trained "monkey" "Aye Ma-am (step back) carry on aye Ma-am, Good afternoon Ma-am" (a bout face) and run back into rank.
And then I hit the gas pedal and continue on my day...
To this day I have no idea why my Drill Instructor called me out of ranks to tell me that - was there a purpose, was she trying to upset me, demotivate me, make me look bad???
I often wonder about my Marine Corps Recruit Training (boot camp) and what everything that was done to me if it had significance...I don't get it.
I loved the training but looking back I should've been miserable, they treated me like crap and yet I'd go back and do it again all over again. I miss the military (scary), I wonder what if ALL the time
The strange part of my flashbacks is I'll have one and it can influence me the rest of the day that is, I'll think about it all day long afterwards and ponder
It can be a good thing I suppose, keeps me aware that my memory is still very keen and it also keeps me in check :-)
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Psychological
Who knew how much work it was to test for a police department.
Today I went in for the psychological test...OYE!!!
6 1/2hrs later I walked out eyes bugged and rushing to go to work
So, 7 personality tests, an interview with a psychiatrist with blot cards, and an essay to figure out if I am crazy or not...well, I didn't answer yes to "Do you hear demons in your head?" So...I think I'm good to go. BTW, if I don't get this job I think I'm gonna give up the police biz-too many tests that make me confused...are you enthusiastic or energetic, are you calm or serious
What's that mean? What's it mean if I don't see butterflies in the ink blots, what does it mean if during the personality test I start singing "This is the Song that Never Ends" in my head...hmm
I WAS EXTREMELY BORED!!! I know I'm not crazy but I felt crazy afterwards, because I didn't know the "correct" answers - it's like taking a test at school for French when you are studying Spanish...there's no way of knowing.
To me it's "I Think, Therefore I AM"
So cross your fingers...this is the best way I know how to make a difference in Children's lives - by working as an Officer - I want to teach children that they have choices outside of what "everyone else is doing" I lost too many friends due to the wrong path, I will help pave the path for our future :-)
Today I went in for the psychological test...OYE!!!
6 1/2hrs later I walked out eyes bugged and rushing to go to work
So, 7 personality tests, an interview with a psychiatrist with blot cards, and an essay to figure out if I am crazy or not...well, I didn't answer yes to "Do you hear demons in your head?" So...I think I'm good to go. BTW, if I don't get this job I think I'm gonna give up the police biz-too many tests that make me confused...are you enthusiastic or energetic, are you calm or serious
What's that mean? What's it mean if I don't see butterflies in the ink blots, what does it mean if during the personality test I start singing "This is the Song that Never Ends" in my head...hmm
I WAS EXTREMELY BORED!!! I know I'm not crazy but I felt crazy afterwards, because I didn't know the "correct" answers - it's like taking a test at school for French when you are studying Spanish...there's no way of knowing.
To me it's "I Think, Therefore I AM"
So cross your fingers...this is the best way I know how to make a difference in Children's lives - by working as an Officer - I want to teach children that they have choices outside of what "everyone else is doing" I lost too many friends due to the wrong path, I will help pave the path for our future :-)
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
SUV
"There comes a time when one must take a
position that is neither safe, nor political, nor popular, but he must take it
because his conscience tells him that it is right." -Martin Luther King
I find this quote being used more and more in my life as I get older...true words to live by if you ask me. I have never been a "favorite" because I stand up and fight for the weak, the scared, the out numbered.
As life progresses you have to ask yourself - where do you stand?
I am unpopular but I am happy with that, because I know that at the end of every day I gave it my all and I didn't back down or stop to look better in someone else's eyes.
Today a truck broke down at a stop light, SUV -blazer. Everyone was hurrying to get around them, no one stopped. I passed it and pulled over. I got out of my car and asked if they'd like help getting the car out of the street. I'm all of 130lbs and they looked at me as if I was nuts - how could I move that vehicle...but, once other cars saw this 2 more stopped and helped.
I was amazed, the unfortunate part is that it only takes 1 to start a domino effect but there has to be that 1...if it wasn't me, would someone else stop? I felt good about that, I didn't want money from them for helping I just knew that they were humiliated and I wanted the humiliation to stop so I helped.
I like these moments in life...they're few and far in between but every time it happens your heart feels fuller- I know mine did.
Nessa
9 years ago I said good-bye to her
9 years ago I pledged I would save her
9 years ago was the last time I saw her smiling.
I was 18, my parents were splitting and Vanessa came to visit - my cousin.
It was the first time during my entire highschool years that I felt needed, wanted
Vanessa was 26, well almost 26...she is a recovering alcoholic/pill popper, she's here for as long as she wants to be.
We did everything together, for the first time I ditch school, I didn't do my homework and I called off at work - how could I do any of that Vanessa wanted to spend time with me
No one ever wanted to spend time with me, my twin and I barely looked at eachother - we were too different
I went to an AA meeting, pretending to be an addict so Vanessa would be more willing to go
We went rollerskating, all the boys wanted to be near her, she wondered why I wasn't interested
Vanessa asked me if I was gay...I was infuriated, shocked, I'm a Catholic - that was unheard of
She asked me why I didn't date I didn't want to
Truth is, I didn't know why...boys didn't interest me, I thought there was something wrong
She was right...
Vanessa got drunk...relapse
Vanessa got into an argument with my Grandma, she had to go
I go to Vanessa, she did my make-up and sprayed perfume on me (I can still smell it) I hate make-up, but it was a moment, we didn't talk
I drive Vanessa in tears to the airport so she can go back to Florida - we walked around the airport all night looking for a place that sold Bloody Marys for her-I think of her every time I see or hear of that drink now
I am devistated - my life was ripped apart, I tried going with her she wouldn't let me
She told me that I was special and I had to figure out how and why and to live out my own plan
I told her I'd visit, I'd call and write
I drove home at 7 the next morning arriving around 9, my Mom is furious and screaming at me to go to school, I shower get into my school uniform and go
I get there and instead of going to class I head to Miss Welsh's office - exhausted and emotionally drained I knock on her door
She opens the door and I break down in tears not able to explain clearly only "She's gone" over and over again...Miss Welsh tells me to sleep and I'm excused from all my classes.
My school forces me into therapy (I hated therapy) saying I'm breaking down from the divorce - no one knew the real reason
7 years go by of phone calls, writing and following her every move from a far...
I'm working, a phone call stops my heart
Vanessa has passed away
I can't move, I can't breathe, everything is still - I run, I can't sleep...I drive 18hrs to the Orange County Mourge, Fl. I see her for the last time, I want to break the glass, wake her up-she's gone
I sit through the speech on how she died, wondering why she had to die alone, why she had to die at all -
I was suppose to save her, I FAILED!
Now 2yrs has passed since then I still hurt, it still runs through my veins...I cry -
Don't put off for tomorrow that is better off done today, visit your friends/family tell them what they mean to you
9 years ago I pledged I would save her
9 years ago was the last time I saw her smiling.
I was 18, my parents were splitting and Vanessa came to visit - my cousin.
It was the first time during my entire highschool years that I felt needed, wanted
Vanessa was 26, well almost 26...she is a recovering alcoholic/pill popper, she's here for as long as she wants to be.
We did everything together, for the first time I ditch school, I didn't do my homework and I called off at work - how could I do any of that Vanessa wanted to spend time with me
No one ever wanted to spend time with me, my twin and I barely looked at eachother - we were too different
I went to an AA meeting, pretending to be an addict so Vanessa would be more willing to go
We went rollerskating, all the boys wanted to be near her, she wondered why I wasn't interested
Vanessa asked me if I was gay...I was infuriated, shocked, I'm a Catholic - that was unheard of
She asked me why I didn't date I didn't want to
Truth is, I didn't know why...boys didn't interest me, I thought there was something wrong
She was right...
Vanessa got drunk...relapse
Vanessa got into an argument with my Grandma, she had to go
I go to Vanessa, she did my make-up and sprayed perfume on me (I can still smell it) I hate make-up, but it was a moment, we didn't talk
I drive Vanessa in tears to the airport so she can go back to Florida - we walked around the airport all night looking for a place that sold Bloody Marys for her-I think of her every time I see or hear of that drink now
I am devistated - my life was ripped apart, I tried going with her she wouldn't let me
She told me that I was special and I had to figure out how and why and to live out my own plan
I told her I'd visit, I'd call and write
I drove home at 7 the next morning arriving around 9, my Mom is furious and screaming at me to go to school, I shower get into my school uniform and go
I get there and instead of going to class I head to Miss Welsh's office - exhausted and emotionally drained I knock on her door
She opens the door and I break down in tears not able to explain clearly only "She's gone" over and over again...Miss Welsh tells me to sleep and I'm excused from all my classes.
My school forces me into therapy (I hated therapy) saying I'm breaking down from the divorce - no one knew the real reason
7 years go by of phone calls, writing and following her every move from a far...
I'm working, a phone call stops my heart
Vanessa has passed away
I can't move, I can't breathe, everything is still - I run, I can't sleep...I drive 18hrs to the Orange County Mourge, Fl. I see her for the last time, I want to break the glass, wake her up-she's gone
I sit through the speech on how she died, wondering why she had to die alone, why she had to die at all -
I was suppose to save her, I FAILED!
Now 2yrs has passed since then I still hurt, it still runs through my veins...I cry -
Don't put off for tomorrow that is better off done today, visit your friends/family tell them what they mean to you
Monday, April 18, 2005
School
I have a brother and friend in college...I'm soooo jealous!!! So to make me feel as though I'm going to school I have given them the option to utilize me for help. So with that I'm editing/tweeking/fine-tuning their papers, explaining different subject matters and I'm feeling abit like I'm back in school. I'm loving every minute of it, because everything I help with comes back with an A!!! This is just more fuel to the fire of my need to go back to school and not being scared that I've been away from learning for too long that I won't do well...I've STILL GOT IT!
Anyway, that's my story tonight - I'm excited that the want to learn is still within me :-)
Anyway, that's my story tonight - I'm excited that the want to learn is still within me :-)
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Coffee
It's 2:40am and I'm still up. Oye, I've gotta remember not to drink coffee so late!!! I sleep till 10am, jump into the car and go to train for boxing, then I rush home to shower and get ready for work from 2-11pm then I grab a cup of coffee and am stuck not being able to sleep till about 4 just to do it all again the next day....hmmmm one would think I would learn - NOPE.
Oh well, I feel weird writing online because you never know who's reading them and I feel as if I should be writing something significant not just blabbering on like I am. Well, I signed up for this just so I had a place to write things down, not really thinking about who'd read it so here I am.
So I guess I'll end with something I learned in life (not that I'm all that old) : Expect the unexpected and maybe you won't get hit by so many curve balls. (easier said than done)
Oh well, I feel weird writing online because you never know who's reading them and I feel as if I should be writing something significant not just blabbering on like I am. Well, I signed up for this just so I had a place to write things down, not really thinking about who'd read it so here I am.
So I guess I'll end with something I learned in life (not that I'm all that old) : Expect the unexpected and maybe you won't get hit by so many curve balls. (easier said than done)
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Blessing or Cursed
I don't understand it, you live life correctly...don't break rules, respect your elders and parents just the same, develop friendships and yet nothing is right.
I read these blogs of celebrities saying that now that they're out of the show biz buisness they're much happier, that it's easier. Please, show me easier. I feel like a puppet on a string, nothing I do can ever be enough. I have 5 sisters and 3 brothers, I am 2nd slash 3rd oldest (I share my position with my twin) and I am the only one anyone ever goes to for help. I don't have a college degree, I got hurt during my time spent in the military so I can't utilize that, I have a job that just barely pays the bills and I don't have any special talents. Why me? I don't have a lot of money and I want to desperately go back to school.
I go to see broadway shows every chance I can (2-3 times a year) the expense is worth it, I play sports, I go to showtune night at the "boys" bar in the city when I'm off of work and I box. I do have street smarts and common sense, that I know because I wouldn't be where I am today without them...some people think because you're a girl you're brainless, well I have taught many a men that not only am I not brainless but I have a heck of a lot more brains than them (most of the time)
My brain has a great capacity for useless information, but weird as it sounds I always seem to learn something that I can use in the future.
So, with all of this why of all the siblings to choose from am I the only one anyone calls upon. I wish I could have the pulls of a celebrity and help my family in ways I cannot now...maybe then when I do help it would enough rather than helping and exceeding my expectations and still feeling as though I've failed. I help my brother with all of his papers for college -when in reality I wish it was me in school...but it's a known assumption in my family that I'll get to go to school eventually, meanwhile help him. I help all my sisters with a bit of cash now and then when I really shouldn't be because I don't have it, though I always seem to get by to help them. I help my Mom with everything from lecturing my younger siblings for her to becoming her plumber, carpenter, mover, builder, cleaner, mechanic, and whatever else she can't do and calls upon me to do - but why am I Elphaba or feeling like her, no matter what I do it's not good enough or just plain BAD, not what they meant for or I didn't do enough to get it right. I'm exhausted and cannot yeild. I love my family and want to do all I can but I sometimes feel they've taken all I once had.
Celebrities yes, have to deal with a great deal of bull but look at what they can do - they can influence without breaking a sweat, they can help anyone with a snap of a finger, and they can disappear to a hide-a-way when it's gotten to be enough and quit their job all-together.
I cannot disappear, I have bills that never seem to end...I cannot help even half the people I'd like because the resources aren't there, I'm trying to influence my younger siblings still living at home and that seems like a lost cause - to them I'm the bit@h of the family I lost what is cool and they want nothing to do with my ideas and as many times a day my Mom calls and says "could you" I wish I could crawl into a cave and never come out I fulfill that could you every time. Why? Why should I, no one else does...
Why can't I say no and figure out my life, fix me, help me and why can't someone else do the dirty work and even lend me a helping hand.
I read these blogs of celebrities saying that now that they're out of the show biz buisness they're much happier, that it's easier. Please, show me easier. I feel like a puppet on a string, nothing I do can ever be enough. I have 5 sisters and 3 brothers, I am 2nd slash 3rd oldest (I share my position with my twin) and I am the only one anyone ever goes to for help. I don't have a college degree, I got hurt during my time spent in the military so I can't utilize that, I have a job that just barely pays the bills and I don't have any special talents. Why me? I don't have a lot of money and I want to desperately go back to school.
I go to see broadway shows every chance I can (2-3 times a year) the expense is worth it, I play sports, I go to showtune night at the "boys" bar in the city when I'm off of work and I box. I do have street smarts and common sense, that I know because I wouldn't be where I am today without them...some people think because you're a girl you're brainless, well I have taught many a men that not only am I not brainless but I have a heck of a lot more brains than them (most of the time)
My brain has a great capacity for useless information, but weird as it sounds I always seem to learn something that I can use in the future.
So, with all of this why of all the siblings to choose from am I the only one anyone calls upon. I wish I could have the pulls of a celebrity and help my family in ways I cannot now...maybe then when I do help it would enough rather than helping and exceeding my expectations and still feeling as though I've failed. I help my brother with all of his papers for college -when in reality I wish it was me in school...but it's a known assumption in my family that I'll get to go to school eventually, meanwhile help him. I help all my sisters with a bit of cash now and then when I really shouldn't be because I don't have it, though I always seem to get by to help them. I help my Mom with everything from lecturing my younger siblings for her to becoming her plumber, carpenter, mover, builder, cleaner, mechanic, and whatever else she can't do and calls upon me to do - but why am I Elphaba or feeling like her, no matter what I do it's not good enough or just plain BAD, not what they meant for or I didn't do enough to get it right. I'm exhausted and cannot yeild. I love my family and want to do all I can but I sometimes feel they've taken all I once had.
Celebrities yes, have to deal with a great deal of bull but look at what they can do - they can influence without breaking a sweat, they can help anyone with a snap of a finger, and they can disappear to a hide-a-way when it's gotten to be enough and quit their job all-together.
I cannot disappear, I have bills that never seem to end...I cannot help even half the people I'd like because the resources aren't there, I'm trying to influence my younger siblings still living at home and that seems like a lost cause - to them I'm the bit@h of the family I lost what is cool and they want nothing to do with my ideas and as many times a day my Mom calls and says "could you" I wish I could crawl into a cave and never come out I fulfill that could you every time. Why? Why should I, no one else does...
Why can't I say no and figure out my life, fix me, help me and why can't someone else do the dirty work and even lend me a helping hand.
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